A Brave Voice

Listen to your voice. No one else can hear it. Tell your story. No one else can speak it. Run after your passion. No one else can catch it. Being true to the person you were created to be is the best gift you can give yourself, your family and the world.

~ Joel Boggess

We hear a lot about ‘having a voice’, but what does that truly mean? I’ve been around many people who certainly have a voice. Some I wish I could emulate, and some I am very glad I don’t share. It’s oftentimes easy to distinguish the types of voices you encounter. There are the good ones that are true to themselves, yet kind and gentle to others. At the other extreme are the ugly, self-centered overbearing roars. Most of us probably land somewhere in the middle.

My counselor/life coach and now a very good friend, Shani Clement introduced me to the phrase of a ‘brave voice’, and I loved it. With her help I decided to start seeking my own brave voice. How do we acquire a brave voice? To be the person who can easily speak their feelings, desires, needs, wants, opinions, instructions, critiques, and complaints. To be open, honest and truthful. To be understanding, thoughtful, genuine and kind to themselves and others. I believe it is a lifelong learning practice. We will stumble along the journey, but hopefully get better at it with more attention towards our brave voice.

Perhaps the first step is to witness and notice our own current voice. What is it like today? Do we, can we, express ourselves in a manner that gets our meaning across in a constructive way to others? Or do we speak hastily and offend them? Do we clam up and not speak our voice because we are afraid it will hurt them? Do we hide from our own voice to avoid a confrontation? Are we purposefully vague, hoping they will read our mind and just ‘get it’? Do we make assumptions? Do we not ask for clarification? For me, it has been a mixture of all of the above.

Maybe our voice is conditioned into us at a young age. I suppose our families have a big influence on how we learn to communicate. We might come from a family that is very loud, where all speak, or yell at once. We then learn that we have to be quick, and loud, to get heard. Or we might have a domineering one in the family whose voice is so strong it subdues, or injures all the rest. Then we learn it is safer to keep quiet and ignore our own voice. The most favorable of course, is when our household is full of well meaning, intentional, purposeful and kind voices. We probably go through our lives with a combination of all of the above within our families, friends and workplaces. But I do think it helps to notice this. To learn from it all.

I am still trying to figure out what my voice is and how best to use it. But I am more comfortable now knowing how it came about in my progression thru childhood, to adulthood, to wise old woman . For most of my life, my voice was more along the lines of avoiding confrontation. Of just going along. Of saying what I thought the other wanted or needed to hear. And of not hurting others. Of not sharing my feelings. Of not being truthful about my desires or needs. Over the past number of years however, I have discovered that this was probably not the best use of my voice – especially for me, but also for those on the other end of the conversation too. So I am more aware of my voice now, and its effects on myself and others.

As we all know, it is never easy to have difficult conversations. But I am learning that the more truthful and open I am about my feelings, in a kind and loving way, it may not be as difficult and scary as I first thought. I have to understand that the other person may not agree, and yes, they may be hurt, sad or angry. But if I am communicating from a loving place, and in a gentle way, I can accept how we both feel. I will try to understand and validate their perspective as well, without being defensive. And I hope they will do the same. But I cannot control how they are going to react or respond. And most importantly, I am learning that I have to be true to my own voice and not backtrack in order to soothe or avoid confrontation. That’s always been the tricky part for me!

I suspect that a big part of having a brave voice is also listening. We have to be able to correctly hear what others are saying to us. And we also have to keep an open mind about where they are coming from, and how they use their own voice. It is always so comforting to be around a great listener, and I hope to always improve on my own listening skills. When we can tune our conversations, both listening and speaking, into intentional and purposeful moments, it is certainly possible that more genuine and kind experiences will fill up our lives.

I am a big proponent in Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements, and I try to abide by them as best as I can. If you have not read his book, I highly recommend it. But here is the basis of his Four Agreements:

I am sure all of these agreements help in finding and using our own brave voice. Not only in speaking our voice with others, but also in how that voice is speaking to our own selves. Are we constantly beating ourselves up? Are we filling our heads with a lot of negativity about ourselves? It is certainly easy to do at times. Especially somewhere like the golf course! But really, is what we say to ourselves the same that we would say to our dearest friend? It should be. I doubt if most of us would ever critique others the way we do ourselves. So I’ve made that a big part of finding my own voice. I will now catch myself when the negative self-talk starts creeping in. Then I speak to myself as I would to one of my cherished girlfriends. And you know what? It helps!

I believe having a brave voice is one of the most courageous things we can do in our lives. With a brave voice we can share who we truly are. We can connect with ourselves and those around us in a more meaningful and profound way. As Melinda Gates has said, ‘A woman with a voice is by definition a strong woman. But the search to find that voice can be remarkably difficult’. How do you find your own brave voice?