I never got to be in the driver’s seat of my own life.
~ Cheryl Strayed
Have you ever muttered, “Why can’t I just be me?” It often feels like we are being thrust into, kept, or floundering through many roles. A daughter/son, brother/sister, husband/wife, mother/father, best friend, employee, boss, caregiver, patient... roles we dance in and out of throughout our lives. Some of us, me included, often feel we rarely get to be ‘just me’ and live our own lives.
Each of these roles has its rewards and, yes, pitfalls, too. The tricky part is our belief system about our roles and how our actions relate to those beliefs. As we assume these roles, do we constantly try to please others and do what they want? Do we become the perfect child, spouse, employee, or boss because we are supposed to, because it is the right thing to do, or because it will make us loveable? Or do we learn, grow, and figure out how to be the best we can be – for ourselves and our loved ones – in each role to reap all the blessings they offer us joyfully?
It is easy to be a passenger and let life and others dictate what we do, who we are, and who we become. It’s easier to keep the peace and avoid confrontation. To handle everything ourselves. But dear one, there will always be a cost down the road.
How do we remain true to ourselves and avoid negatively succumbing to whatever is put before us? How do we keep our identity and autonomy yet live in peaceful harmony with our loved ones and friends? How do we know what we genuinely want out of the role we find ourselves in? I have routinely faced these tough questions, and I can tell you they are not easy to answer – I think it is a life-long quest, and the answers keep changing! It’s a never-ending process to navigate life while remembering that we always have choices. We have choices about how we react, how we think, how we feel, and what we believe. Something I try to remember daily!
I have come to think that if we believe others are directing or controlling what we do in our lives, we may be ‘letting’ them. We don’t want to say no, we don’t want to cause confrontation, we want to go with the flow. We desperately want others to like and love us. When we don’t speak our truth about our desires, wishes, and dreams, the others we think are directing us cannot know what we are feeling, believing, or thinking. They don’t know what we want or need when we don't tell them. As much as we want them to, no one can read our minds.
We also have to be honest and straightforward with ourselves. We need the proper perspective and understanding to see the whole picture, not just our side. We must remember that we are all in this world together. The ones we feel are directing us have their individual things going on, impacting their behavior and thoughts—it’s all interrelated! We must be clear on what we want and who we are and relate it to the big picture. And then we need to articulate it... Yes, I know. It's easier said than done!
So, what are our choices when we feel we are not in the driver's seat? The first choice is to continue believing you have no control (which can lead toward resentfulness and much more despair down the road). The other choice is to think differently about it. Each situation is different, but I’m pretty sure there is a way to reframe the problem when you look at the big picture. There is most likely a more positive outlook when you think differently about it. We can almost always discover hidden opportunities and benefits in any obstacle when we reframe our thoughts. As the Dalai Lama has said, “Why be unhappy about something if it can be remedied?”
Part of being in the driver’s seat is taking the wheel of your life. Figure out what makes you tick, what your passions are, and how you can bring them more front and center. What makes you happy? Do more of that! Remember to say no when your plate is full or offer an alternative that works better for you. Take time for yourself. To recharge, rest, play, exercise, and meditate – schedule this ‘just you time’ on your calendar to reinforce you!
When you start feeling like you can’t ‘just be you,’ shift your perspective and reframe your thoughts. Fix what you can and sprinkle more of your passions around. Be clear with your voice and look for the hidden opportunities that are ready and waiting. Just being you can be as simple as being the same you with new and better thoughts!
How can you be just you?
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