Selfish or Self-Care?

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Taking care of yourself doesn't mean me first; it means me too.

~ L.R. Knost

How often have we asked or thought, “Does this make me selfish”? It seems like our society is excellent at shaming us into believing we are selfish. We are taught to set aside or ignore our needs and desires in favor of others. To give all we have and never say ‘no’ to a request.

It is commonplace to do all the right things for others in our lives while putting ourselves on the back burner. In doing so, we put others' needs above ours and end up abandoning or harming ourselves for the sake of not being seen as selfish. Just ask yourself how often you do this.

Why are we so concerned about being selfish? There can be many answers. Perhaps we don’t feel worthy of putting ourselves first. Maybe we are ashamed of having needs or desires. Possibly, we fear being judged by others. The list can go on and on ...

According to the dictionary, selfishness is lacking consideration for others and being concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure. It’s more of the ‘me, me, me’ mentality where one only thinks of their needs without regard for others.

The difference between selfishness and self-care is more about intention. When we are selfish, we only care about ourselves despite the cost to others. The intention of self-care is not to harm or take from others. It is to take care of and nurture oneself.

Self-care is about taking care of yourself first so that you can attend to your needs – mentally, physically, and spiritually. When you can do this, it allows for the best possible you to be available for others in your life. Our buckets must be full before giving ourselves to others, just like the airline instructions to put your mask on first before helping those around you.

By caring for ourselves first, we will have more internal resources for our loved ones, friends, colleagues, and the world. Being in touch with our own emotions, needs, and desires makes it easier to have more profound empathy and compassion for others.

Taking care of yourself does not mean you do not care about others. Caring for yourself means allowing you to be more present in your life and for those you love. The more energy you have, the better you feel. The more you connect to your emotions and feelings, the more understanding you have for yourself and others. The more love you have for yourself, the more love you can share.

Self-care is the means to restore yourself when your reserves are depleted. It promotes your physical health and emotional well-being. Taking care of yourself does not mean you are ignoring others. Self-care is including yourself in the equation.

Let’s revisit how we think of the word selfish. Notice how often others use the term to abuse themselves or us, even unintentionally. Notice how often we use the word on others and ourselves. There is often a connotation in our society that it is wrong to take care of ourselves.

What we see in others may only be part of the bigger picture. We don’t know the reality leading up to another’s ‘selfish’ act. If we did, it might make sense why they took some time out just for themselves. Perhaps what we and others have labeled as selfish may simply be self-care.

It is okay to give yourself permission for self-care. To take good care of yourself. To have needs and desires. To speak your voice. To attend to your own emotional and physical well-being. We should not feel shame for wanting to take care of ourselves.

We also need to have boundaries as part of our self-care practice. A breeding ground for resentment builds when we expend all of our energy caring for others while ignoring ourselves. Then feelings of unappreciation and martyrdom set in, which is not a healthy place to be.

How can you improve your self-care? Take some time to sit in stillness daily to listen to your true self, your soul. Take a walk through a beautiful park. How about an extra-long shower or a soothing bubble bath? Take an afternoon to read a book in your favorite chair with a cup of hot tea in your favorite mug. Plan a little get-a-way vacation. See a movie with your best friend. Choose a salad instead of fries. Join an exercise class. Get to bed early.

As you reflect on your self-care habits, notice how it feels when you take good care of yourself. Notice the differences when you lapse a bit on your self-care. Notice how you respond to others when you are well-rested versus when you are cranky and tired. Good self-care does make a difference.

How will you permit yourself to take care of yourself?

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