Sometimes you have to detach,
to find yourself.
~ Anonymous
How often do we find ourselves caught up in the drama and turmoil of others lives? Trying hard to not rush in to help, to fix, to solve, or take over when friends or loved ones are in distress. And whether we jump in to do something or not, we routinely get mired in the worry of what is going to happen. These what-ifs can then spiral out of control into dread and hopelessness if we let them. I am currently facing a few unrelated outside drama situations that are testing my own practice on how to respond appropriately. My first nature is to throw out all kinds of advice or suggestions on how the others should handle the circumstances. I see this as my way of helping, but then again, I wonder if I am overreaching? The line between 'judgey' type advice and heartfelt, compassionate suggestions is very thin. We all observe and process what life throws at us differently. We certainly will not be aware of all the details of another's situation and cannot stand in their shoes. Things become more muddled when your family vs my family is embroiled in the problem. So, how do you know when to stay on your side of the street? To refrain from rescuing, taking over, handling whatever, telling someone 'what to do'. Especially when you really want to jump in, or think you can do better? To me, staying on your side of the street is to avoid crossing over to pick up someone else's baggage if you will. You can certainly be available for them. Listen to them. Offer support, kind words and your love. Give them heartfelt suggestions or opinions without being overbearing on 'this is the RIGHT way' to handle. Because what is your way, may not be their way. Many times, the right way is illusive. The journey is a long one. A series of choices and decisions all building on one another, with multiple twists and turns along the way. If you do cross the street and end up doing more work for someone than they are putting forth, you could be hurting both of you. The folks we are wanting to help must try to help themselves first. They have to genuinely want to change, to fix their path or to solve their problems before any assistance that we give them will matter in the long run.
There is difficulty in maintaining a bit of distance from another's drama and to not take it on as our own. Sometimes we feel selfish not running across the street and doing whatever they want or need. We worry what others will think or feel if we don't offer or do something. When the dilemma involves family, this becomes exponentially more difficult. And then those boundary issues start surfacing. When we keep crossing the street to help, we keep stretching our boundary. Blurring the lines for us, and others. The more help we give, the more that might be asked of us creating a vicious circle depleting our own stores. We end up draining our energy, our self-care, our time, our money. It's not selfish to stay on your side of the street when you realize in your heart that it is the right thing to do for yourself and the other person. It's not selfish to look after your own interests either. You can't be everything to everyone at all times. Sometimes when we take care of too much, things backfire and we harm those we are trying to help by keeping them dependent on us and others. I certainly don't have all the answers, or the best ways to handle the myriad of dramas that come before us. As I continue along in my own Zen journey, I try to take my time before addressing these kinds of situations. It's never easy, and I recognize I get it wrong sometimes. But at least now, I am more confident in trying to stay on my side of the street. I pause and reflect what the landscape is on the other side. To see their viewpoint and perspective. Then I will offer kind words of comfort, support and love. If appropriate, I will give helpful suggestions trying to avoid being too 'know it all' and 'judgey'. Which I admit is a challenge for me and one of the many things I am working on. Hopefully I'm getting better! When there is truly nothing that we can do to help the matter, or we choose to remain solidly on our side of the street, we have to enter the acceptance mode. We have to allow the situations to play out and hope for the best for all involved. It does not do any good to worry about, to gossip about, or to be judgmental over any of it. We have to be ok with leaving the outcome in the hands of others. Love them, respect them and trust that they will handle things the best way they can. If you have not taken up journaling, these situations present an excellent way to start. You can rattle off all kinds of thoughts, feelings and ideas in your favorite journal. You'd be surprised at the weight that can be lifted after a journaling session. Sometimes simple solutions may even pop up as you write. And on that journaling note, this is a friendly reminder to re-order your next quarter's Zen Journey Roadmap here ☺︎. I find it a great place to check in daily with the 'across the street' dramas, and your own inner peace and healthy habits! How do you stay on your own side of the street?
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